This week, the fanboy friday film has released a little too soon. On a wednesday. Already a lot of complaints, “Machi Megan Fox illayam, yaaro Rosie Huntington Whiteleyaam. 3D vera. Can’t wait da.” The poor office going people. But what heights of loyalty. I saw this , wait-not-so-soon-adjective film in the new AGS multiplex. It was like travelling to another city for a night show and felt like one of those shady weekend sneakouts to you-know-where and to do you-know-what. I reach there and I see a sundry mix of Polaris, Cognizant and Ford employees care free about their Thursday work-day issues. They have achieved something for their comfort food appetite by 2 o’clock, post-midnight.
For myself, I bought a Thumbs-Up tin to get ready for the latest American cheese burger in town. Oh, what cheese. “Yuck”. It is the sound of the cheese dallops that have fallen on your food.
The updated franchise of everything that you want to be in a film, to entertain. “Arre , what art film and Tarantino rip-off film noir and all. I can Haz Transformers!!!! It is so awesome. bitchen. bad alien shiz. Optimus kicks azzz.” For only we trust in Michael Bay to entertain us in his high confidence on what sells. For the arbit film goer who comes from 20 years behind (probably an uncle who thinks Octopussy is the best Hollywood film ever, “oh his old-fanboy days”) will be watching a truck (painted red and blue, but comes from space), before even enters, to be cheered with whistles and signatory-heavy-“Otha”. Now, get ready to say a bunch of wows.
For getting actors like John Malkovich to say “Bitchen”, John Turturro to say “That kid is a bad-alien magnet” and Frances Mc Dormand looking at a big ass Autobot with scorn, “Optimus, this is all on you” , the film is an ad for their indisciplined comdey days of theatre. (Here is where Spoilers actually sell the film even more, so am just going ahead) This is the latest-updated software, geek boys. It has everything. 3D-check. CGI-check. Heavier Optimus Prime voice intro-check. Snippets of past footage to get all serious about the plot in the beginning (‘cuz you know, you can’t waste time during the movie, explaining the main plots.) Only stuff that’s not too tough to comprehend, like “Let’s roll” and “In just a few minutes, you’ll be Sentinel’s bitch”.-check. Get three real actors (possibly the ones that have baited the Oscars previously) to get the criticboys buy the tickets.-check. Bringing the latest shiz that’s on the filmbuzz hits.-check. You like HansZimmer music? O.K. wait till you see thi–heavy Hans Zimmer burrssssssounds-check. We have some human stunts too, not just a robot movie (who made fun of us huh? )-check. Hangover 2 type-inappropriate gay humour- check. Oh we even have the same Asian guy who ROFL-ed you.-check. Welcome, Ken Jeong to corpowhoring in the capitalist pinnacle of the pyramid’s self-actualiZation point. You have successfully sold yourself. Congrats. Black man brotherhood “‘Cuz that asshole killed my friends too.”-check. (Common get the fuck over it!). The mandatory Sam Whitwicky and inappropriate parental advice scene.-check. The climax,the anti-climax and the anti-anti-climax-check,check,check. There is everything. And Poor fucking Buzz Aldrin.sigh-check.
They introduce Rosie Huntington-Whiteley with a soft-toy-bunny inuendo, because you know, She is not JUST a fill-in replacement or a doll that just looks different. She rechristened with an auspicious long-leg shot (oh all the dollars) for good luck and claims for betterment. She breaks up with him, oh infact, she rips off the softoy’s legs in frust. How cute. Now, that’s real acting man. clap clap Also, she is always running here and there with nuts and bolts flying and transforming in the slow-motioned air. This is the high point in the franchise, I think. It can even be termed as the “dame and debris” scenario. This time it comes with a helpless British accent, “Loooouuuke” (look).
But seriously, the film makes you ponder on some important things. Have we sold out to be entertained in 3D while we are sojourned into a pseudo-American environment to support in their Middle East connotations ,foreign policies (silent witnesses again but this time in a theatre) and Obama humour, just to gape at colourful robots which look like hot wheels cars, botched up and rearranged by an angry dyslexic kid?. Do we need someone to actually say,“Why do the Decepticons always get the good shit” for later the hero robot to come swashbuckling in a stretch of demolishing action? Have we all started to enjoy this? Is this even our country? If we are able to accustom ourselves to so much alineation both terrestrial and extra-terrestrial, where are we heading to? Have we completely embraced globalization without knowing what it actually means? What is this urge to alienate humans in Earth and derive fascination to bond with Robots,(and they also mirror humans/earthlings with beards and blood and spit like venomous snakes), are these even going to be in our future text books of history. Do you want it to be?
Heh. Just Kidding. Go enjoy your burger. You deserve it after a hard day’s work. By the way, It is fucking long–> Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Perhaps this is an extrapolation of that orgasm of “we-are-all-humans” and “we-need-to-stay-together” to win over Artificial/ExtraTerrestrial/GinormousBeings , the sour-cream onion of the aftertaste that Speilberg’s utopia dream leaves after facing a nightmare. Oh, the military sentiment and the romance hug. How could I forget.